During the first half of his Monday night CBS show, comedian David Letterman mocked a number of Republicans while not batting an eye toward President Obama or the Democrats. Letterman joked at the expense of Newt Gingrich's first marriage and New Jersey Governor Chris Christie's weight while comparing former First Lady Pat Nixon to a reptile from Star Trek.
In addition, the CBS comedian dismissed the entire GOP presidential field as a bunch of rich boring white guys who would lose to President Obama in the general election.
"The big rap that's got everybody talking about Mitt Romney is that when he travels, he straps his dog to the roof of the car," Letterman began. "Did you know about that? And now, Newt Gingrich is on the attack, and he's saying well I used to do that with my first wife."
That joke referred to an old incident where Mitt Romney reportedly put his family's dog in a kennel and tied it to the top of the car for a lengthy road trip. Letterman used that story as an opportunity for humor at the expense of Gingrich's marital history.
He also mocked Gingrich as a "puffy weasel." While noting how the candidate had attacked Mitt Romney for speaking French, Letterman gave his pretend French translation for "Gingrich."
"It's a – if you were to say ooh, I just saw something crawl out of that hole over there," Letterman described, "and then they would say, well what, what did it look like, and you would say, in French you would say it looked like a, oh it was a kind of a puffy weasel."
[Video below.]
Meanwhile, the one Republican the comedian held sympathy for was faux-conservative Jon Huntsman, drawing disappointment from the audience on the news of his dropping out of the race. He described Huntsman as "the Mormon who believes that a dog should ride inside a car," taking another shot at Romney.
In his "Top 10" segment, Letterman rattled off the "Top 10 things people said when they heard Jon Huntsman was dropping out of the race," and seized the moment to once again lampoon the GOP presidential field. Number nine was "Is he the rich, boring white guy, or the other rich, boring white guy?"
Number one was "Now who's going to lose to Obama in the general election?"
A transcript of the segment, which aired on January 16 at 11:38 p.m. EST, is as follows:
DAVID LETTERMAN: The big rap that's got everybody talking about Mitt Romney is that when he travels, he straps his dog to the roof of the car. (Laughter) Did you know about that? And now, Newt Gingrich is on the attack, and he's saying well I used to do that with my first wife.
(...)
So right now what Mitt is doing is he is looking for a running mate. And boy, talk about strong suit for the Republicans. (Laughter) Dick Cheney, Dan Quayle, Sarah Palin, Spiro Agnew. (Laughter) (Applause)
Michelle Obama, the First Lady, is appearing on a TV show. It's something called iCarly. (...) And this is a long, rich tradition of presidents' wives, first ladies of the United States appearing on a television show, and I think we put together a little montage. Take a look.
(Video Clip)
(Music playing)
TITLE: First Ladies In Prime Time.
NARRATOR: 1983. Nancy Regan played herself on Different Strokes.
1976. Betty Ford played herself on The Mary Tyler Moore Show.
1969. Pat Nixon played the Gorn on Star Trek.
To learn more about first ladies, visit your local library.
(End Video Clip)
(Applause)
LETTERMAN: Is that true? Pat Nixon played the Gorn?
(...)
[11:41]
LETTERMAN: He [Romney] looks like the guy that comes with the picture frame, doesn't he? I mean honest to god. Who's that good-looking guy? Oh, he just came with the frame. He looks like the hunter – looks like the white hunter that ignores Tarzan's warnings. He –
(Laughter)
LETTERMAN: Alright, I can handle this Tarzan, please.
UNIDENTIFIED MAN: Ah-ha-ha.
LETTERMAN: You're getting hysterical. Don't let the drums get to you. I know what I'm doing. (Laughter) Please, Tarzan.
(...)
LETTERMAN: But thank god Newt took over and once again did the heavy lifting and attacked Mitt Romney, because, of course, Mitt Romney speaks French. God! I mean. What is he trying to pull with that speaking French?! Honest to god, ladies and gentlemen! How much more of this do we have to take? And then I went to my French-English dictionary, and I looked it up, and I looked at Gingrich, and it means, actually – it's not a literal translation, but what it means in French is if you ever – it's like a – well, it's a combination of words. (Laughter) It's a – if you were to say ooh, I just saw something crawl out of that hole over there – (Laughter) – and then they would say, well what, what did it look like, and you would say, in French you would say it looked like a, oh it was a kind of a puffy weasel. (Laughter) (Applause) That's what it looked like. It's not literally, understand.
Hey you know who's no longer in the race, and I'm kind of going to miss him, is Jon Huntsman.
CROWD: Awwwwww.
LETTERMAN: He's the, he's the – there were two Mormon candidates, Mitt Romney and Jon Huntsman. Jon Huntsman is the Mormon who believes that a dog should ride inside a car. He's gone now, he's – (Applause)
(...)
Anybody ever seen the Oprah Winfrey Network on the TV? (Applause) Oprah has another show on the network now called the Oprah, the second half, the second chapter, the late in the game, the –
UNIDENTIFIED MAN: Second.
LETTERMAN: – second coming. Overtime, or whatever it's called. And she interviews top stars. Yesterday on the show was New Jersey Governor Chris Christie. Here, take a look. This is a promo from that show, take a look at this.
(Video Clip)
UNIDENTIFIED MAN: (Voice-over) Sunday, an all-new Oprah's Next Chapter. Oprah will spend the hour talking to Republican powerhouse Chris Christie.
OPRAH WINFREY: You've been described as a human bulldozer, the Tony Soprano of politics.
UNIDENTIFIED MAN: 15 minutes of hard-hitting questions. 45 minutes of the governor trying to get out of the chair. The exclusive Oprah's Next Chapter. Sunday.
(End Video Clip)
(...)
LETTERMAN: Top 10 things people said when they heard Jon Huntsman was dropping out of the race.
(...)
Number nine. Is he the rich, boring white guy, or the other rich, boring white guy?
(...)
Number six. Does this mean we can bring Herman Cain back? That guy was hilarious.
Number five. So that leaves only four viable candidates, plus Rick Perry.
(...)
Number one. Now who's going to lose to Obama in the general election?
- Matt Hadro is a News Analyst at the Media Research Center