Cosmo Hosts the ‘2014 Sex Olympics’

The Olympics you don’t want to watch.

If any magazine could find a way to turn the upcoming Winter Olympics into sex, it would be Cosmo. 

Cosmo’s Anna Breslaw and Lauren Panariello composed a “2014 Sex Olympics” piece detailing sporty sex positions for the March issue. As an introduction, the writers exclaimed, “Forget Sochi … The real games are going down in the bedroom!” They explained, “Cosmo is here to put the O in Olympics this season. Try our winter-sports-inspired positions and performance enhancing tips and give racy new meaning to bobsledding, curling . . . and working the long pole. Now let the (bedroom) games begin!” 

Women’s magazine Cosmopolitan boasts more than three million subscribers as a “lifestylist for millions of fun, fearless females who want to be the best they can be in every area of their lives.” Those areas generally consist of sex, sex, sex and – oops, almost forgot – sex.

Case in point: “The Olympics are just like sex, really,” declared the Cosmo in the “Gold Medal Sex Positions” section, where the magazine offered “play-by-play on how to become a world champion sex machine” – complete with illustrations! 

“The Sex-Goddess Ski Jump” seemed straightforward enough, “1. Take a flying leap. 2. Land on his penis. 3. Win a gold medal!” because it’s like “soaring off a Sochi bluff.” Cosmo became more creative – and detailed – with moves like:

  • Bawdy Bobsled: the “sexual sleigh” with “action [that] ends in a blaze of orgasmic glory! 10 out of 10!”
  • Heavenly Spiral: the “holy grail of couples figure skating moves” with a “double Axel O”
  • Long Pole: “Skiing is a downhill sport, but you’re about to go up, up, and away…”
  • Siberian Husky-Style: “the Russian twist on doggie!” to “go forth and mush”
  • The Sensual Snowboarder: “The thrill of snowboarding without the imminent danger of careering off a snow cliff? Everybody wins!” 

But wait! There’s more. For “Bedroom Performance Enhancers,” Cosmo announced, “Welcome to the orgasmic opening ceremonies. All you really need to win in bed are your willing bodies, your fiery Olympic passion . . . and a few shiny Tara Lipinski-inspired bras.” 

Cosmo recommended to “get hot-blooded,” because “chances are good that he’s wanted to do it in a Jacuzzi ever since he was old enough to ogle pixilated boobs on the internet. Or “Raise the sexual stakes” and bet on a snowboarder like Gretchen Bleiler: if she wins a medal, “he goes down on you. If she doesn’t, he goes down on you.” Cosmo added, “Just kidding. Kinda.”

To “light his fire,” Cosmo continued, “get handsy with his torch” and “cry happy tears like a first-time medal winner” – or try a similar “carnal curling” and “while you’re watching a gripping curling competition on TV, slip your hands onto your man’s broomstick.” 

The piece also included “5 Hot Pieces of Olympic Candy” (aka five men competing in the actual Olympics) and “Russian Dirty Talk 101” to “thaw Putin’s icy heart with some naughty words in his native tongue,” such as “I want you,” “right there” or “harder.” 

If that isn’t enough vulgarity, ladies, try Cosmo’s “Holiday Sextacular” – and don’t forget that waiting until a second date for sex is “100% outdated.”

— Katie Yoder is Staff Writer, Joe and Betty Anderlik Fellow in Culture and Media at the Media Research CenterFollow Katie Yoder on Twitter.

— Katie Yoder is Staff Writer, Joe and Betty Anderlik Fellow in Culture and Media at the Media Research Center. Follow Katie Yoder on Twitter.